meandering

I found it interesting that my meager little blog was rolled up in printed form and brought into a divorce hearing (mine) with the aim of shooting me down.  It didn't have the stuff or weight that would lend itself to a launch much less a successful hit.  Instead, I suppose, a copy will lie quietly in a file at the county records office until time or storage limitations return it to dust.

It does me no good to stress out over it, but it left me feeling kind of inhibited in returning to write anything here.  This all happened more than a month ago.  I thought of starting a new blog, but this would be some kind of loss for me and a victory for something pretty unsavory that I won't attempt to name.

I am staying away from sad stories these days - in print, in movies and TV -  so, I can't find the strength to tell any sad stories here.  I am getting a divorce.  I am finding and making a new start.  It took me a very long time to make this step, but I've done it at last. 

I'm reading more these days.  Today I'm reading "How Rembrandt Reveals Your Beautiful Imperfect Self" by Roger Housden. 

posted by: behindtheblink at 01:58 | link | comments (6) |

taking stock

taking stock...I thought over my blue drink that this might be the moment while alone to take stock.  but then how much wisdom does it require to take stock of a life, a recent past, a venture? how do I measure my losses against my so called gains?  how much is truly lost in the nature surrounding me?  not much, I think.  Time lost?  Effort lost?  Loved ones lost?  how much is lost, I ask myself.  the answer seems to be a loud and clear, "NOTHING".  a flower dies to give life to a fruit.  one form gives way to another.  joy and heartache are tied together as part of the same.  so, I think I will stop trying to take stock and accept each thing knowing it will give way to the next thing.

posted by: behindtheblink at 23:38 | link | comments (2) |

I will be taking a long break from this blog.  I felt for weeks that I should find something to say, but also felt real comfort in the silence.  I've enjoyed my off and on times at Mo'time.  I am well and happy as I could hope to be.

I wish you all well.

posted by: behindtheblink at 01:50 | link | comments (1) |

posted by: behindtheblink at 23:32 | link | comments (1) |

when a light is reflected off the surface of water, I think I'm seeing just an image.  images, whether in my mind or elsewhere (well, if my mind perceives them, they ALL are in my mind)...aren't they in possession of substance equal to the source of the image?  could it be the inside out, multi-facets, folding upon itself, through and past itself, and the rejoining again of all the same thing that makes me keep noticing that everything seems to be a mirror of something else or everything else?

posted by: behindtheblink at 18:45 | link | comments (7) |

Driving along, having finished some errands, I thought of this artificial oasis and wondered about its numbered days.  Whether in years or decades or more, they're numbered nonetheless.  The land is leveled, scraped clean, and wildlife driven out year after year.  I used to see jackrabbits in the center of town just 10 years ago but no more.  Were they starved out when they lost their feeding grounds?  Did they hop off to the perimeters of development?  I miss them.  All we’re left with are geckos, lizards, insects, and birds. It seems to me (in my sentimental imaginings) that justice or my idea of it should one day return this area to nature and a balance of people and animals that is sustainable as in the days of the ancient and not so ancient Indians.  In the past, we would drive past some Indian houses and make derisive comments about the dirt yards and the junk seen scattered around the property.  Well, miss smarty pants, I tell myself, at least they’re not gobbling up water to create the illusion that this is not, in fact, a desert.  They probably retain some respect for the land that goes deeper than even the “green” minded whites who’ve made this place home.  Yeah, all the planning and landscaping results in a visually pleasing effect, but at what cost?  When will the water run out?  When will we all give up our lawnmowers and the need to feel soft green grass under our bare feet?  If it’s grass we want, maybe we should go someplace where green grass grows naturally.  But the climate is so nice, and people want to have that and their green grass and non-indigenous flowers and swimming pools.  I’m not innocent in all this having once had a house with grass, flowers and pool in the past.  As for the future, it will be  a xeriscaped yard for me with plants that belong in the desert.  It's nothing new, but as more people go desert with their yards, it may make a difference. 

And then there are all those houses built after 2005 in a frenzy of greed.  More than a few developments remain with most of the units unsold.  The "new" houses sit empty and deteriorate month after month.  Maybe the jackrabbits can move in along with the scorpions, geckos and black widow spiders.  I'd like to see them take back even just a little of the desert.

posted by: behindtheblink at 19:57 | link | comments (6) |

posted by: behindtheblink at 23:36 | link | comments (4) |

Be soft in your practice. Think of the method as a fine silvery stream, not a raging waterfall. Follow the stream, have faith in its course. It will go its own way, meandering here, trickling there. It will find the grooves, the cracks, the crevices. Just follow it. Never let it out of your sight. It will take you....
                                                                            Sheng-yen

posted by: behindtheblink at 07:38 | link | comments (2) |

I was looking at some old pics on the laptop and found this one that I'd downloaded from somewhere.  I'm not usually too much into adorable and precious things, but if this isn't sweet, I don't what is.

posted by: behindtheblink at 02:07 | link | comments (4) |

The laptop whirred on and on.  I tell myself I should have turned it off.  Electricity wasted, emissions emitted while I lay on the floor reading.  With the window behind me, stretched out on cushions, I read.  How wonderful to have returned to the mental peace where I can sit and read!  So much struggle, so much perceived suffering was then.  And now.  The fight is out of me, and I feel so much better.

I awoke to the sound of heavy rain and thunder this morning.  What was known as Hurricane Dean delivered lots of lovely rain here.  When you are accustomed to living in the desert, rain takes on a rare beauty.  At least that's how it strikes me.  I like to hear the rain rushing down the gutter and making a temporary flood on the gravel stones.  Only now at 3:15 has the sun begun to shine.  No matter because clouds, too, are a boon in this hot, dry place. 

Fear poked his head in yesterday just to remind me of all the scenarios of which I should be fearful.  I wanted to tell him to get lost, but his arguments sounded pretty valid.  So, I entertained fear for a bit throughout the day yesterday.  By afternoon, I was aware of how dangerous the liaison was and walked away for a few moments alone.  Yes, he will come again and we will have discourse again, I'm sure.  But fear is losing his powers of attraction as I recognize that I cannot afford to waste valuable reserves of energy these days.  Pride and ego are my daily companions, and I will never be rid of them.  The only solution is to see them for who they are: they are not my friends.  Neither is self-recrimination. 

Tried to work on a story I started a year ago about a little girl walking with a box under her arm.  Maybe I'll never find the ending.  It doesn't matter.  It would be satisfying to feel that I could complete it, but maybe it's not worth telling or not meant to be told.  I'll stop rambling now. 

posted by: behindtheblink at 01:46 | link | comments (4) |