meandering

Subsistence wage...is that too much to offer??  I'm no longer surprised...just sad.
thinkprogress.org/2007/01/26/179/trackback/

posted by: behindtheblink at 23:31 | link | comments |

You will never understand that life is a pun, for you will never be alone enough to reject hatred, judgments, all these things that require such an effort, in favor of a calm level state of mind that makes everything equal and without importance. Dada is not at all modern. It is more in the nature of a return to an almost Buddhist religion of indifference.

Tristan Tzara, Dada Manifesto 1918

posted by: behindtheblink at 15:39 | link | comments |

To hold a serious, possibly life-changing debate with yourself for months and not tell a soul is interesting.  To reveal that information to a friend has made it less heavy, just a little less heavy.  To begin to see some things with eyes not dimmed by memories and sentiment and tears.  Just to start seeing some things and then the next day they look different, then back and forth it goes.  But there is movement - I'm just not sure where it will lead.

posted by: behindtheblink at 11:07 | link | comments (4) |

Nothing in the cry
       of cicadas suggests they
  are about to die
        
                                 -  Basho

 

 

posted by: behindtheblink at 16:46 | link | comments (1) |

Are there any accidents?

I just tried to post a comment and, again, got a server failure notice.  This time, I accepted it and didn't try to remember and reproduce the original comment.  Although I'm sure it's a technical issue with my ISP or something else, I accepted it today and let it go at that.  My choice not to re-try was not an accident.

I don't subscribe fully to the notion that there are no accidents, but I do ask myself how many accidents or mistakes happen in this life.  I don't mean car accidents and physical illnesses, although some may say these aren't accidents, either.   I make mistakes, but aren't they, after all, a reflection of myself and my own ignorance of so many things?  Not only ignorance but flawed patterns of behavior from my developing and perpetually imperfect character.  I could carry it too far and say that nothing matters because I can only behave and react in line with what I'm capable of, what I know and understand right now.  I don't want to be complacent about my own blunders and stop trying to learn and correct wrong ways of thinking and relating to the world around me.

Someone told me recently that when she is operating in a certain mindframe, others relate and respond much differently to her - in a better way.  Her openness and calm don't go unnoticed by others, and she benefits from their benefit of finding an open, caring human being with whom to communicate.  Finding the right mindframe in which to fuction everyday is personal and may depend on belief-systems, past experiences and the state and strength of a person's mind at any given point in time.  I look at my past and can't point to very many accidents because my actions usually impacted the course of events - even when I was unaware of any impact.  I'm responsible for my acts however ignorant or blind they may have been.  External factors combine with my own way of being to create what my life and mind are today.  If I'm stating the obvious, I do it for my own benefit and don't presume to have discovered anything new.

Some days I think I'm teetering on some precipice of disaster and other days I am full of peace.  Finding out what facilitates the peace is my question.  In my case, I attribute my peace to faith in something greater than me.  Others don't need to agree or validate my beliefs, but I need to know what works for me.  I'm such a little piece in such a big universal picture.  At the same time, I'm part of the rest so not insignificant at all. 

Surrendering to the order/chaos is liberating.  Accepting that I'm part of a big energetic ball of life and movement.

posted by: behindtheblink at 09:44 | link | comments (1) |

You've got a little something on your face...right there

She'll be eight years old in some months, but we don't know her exact birthdate.  She of disproportionately long whiskers joined our small family on July 4th, 1999 and since then has kept us entertained, concerned, annoyed, comforted and laughing.  I'll call her China here as that was what we first wanted to call her but in the end settled on a much better name. 

Over 7 years old, cats are officially senior so I decided it would be a good idea to start giving China some vitamin/glucosamine paste/gel left over from my dear departed friend, B., who quietly passed away in her bed on November 18th, 2005 at the age of 17.  B. liked the stuff and would lick it from my finger.  When I offered China an introductory whiff of the open tube, she recoiled with a look of complete disgust and horror, preparing to run.  The first dose went on her paw as this was recommended in cases where the cat doesn't fancy the malty flavor enough to cooperate.  Half an hour passed and the goop stayed right where I'd smeared it.  I decided to step in and attempt to transfer it directly to her mouth so I would be spared from cleaning it off of some other surface such as my bed.  It ended up on teeth, gums and fur so determined was she not to get any of "the stuff" on her tongue - heaven forbid!

Three days passed before I remembered to give her another dose.  This time I went straight for the mouth but had no success with keeping it open.  It's astounding to witness the speed and violence with which a cat can whip its head away from a hand dispensing "the stuff".  While trying to perform the procedure, I noticed she had a nice sized portion of the previous dose caked and dried on her lower right jawline.  So disgusting was "the stuff" that she apparently refused to clean that part of her face for three days.  So, this time, I really tried to get it somewhere inside the furline.  Yes, success.  Smeared on teeth and gums, she was forced to lick it off.  She did so while running away in irrate fashion with considerable shaking of the head and kicking up of back legs.

Two days passed and time for another try.   This time I had surprise and speed on my side as I put the dose directly on her startled tongue and, gladly, managed to escape injury to myself.  By this time the dried glob on her jaw was shrinking either through inadvertent cleaning of that spot or by the mere passage of time, sloughing off one dry particle at a time. With a sigh, I cleaned off the rest with a wet cloth.

I watched B. suffer with deteriorating joints for several years.  It was hard to see, hard to accept.  B. had the best medicine possible to alleviate her severe arthitis in the last year and a half.  But I wonder if I had started her on daily glucosamine earlier if I may have spared her some later pain.   Therefore, I've resolved to continue dispensing "the stuff" to China for her own good.  Who knows, maybe one day she'll even like it!  Nawww, probably not.

posted by: behindtheblink at 10:02 | link | comments (1) |

Journeying with Menopause

I made the shift to menopause rather too early for medical reasons.  It started about five years ago.  Gone was the excruciating monthly pain and in its place hot flashes.  I found solutions for this first at my local health food store but, after a couple of years, when these pills no longer worked I found extract of raspberry leaf that works very well.  Also Sarsparilla Root and homeopathic pellets of Selenium and Sepia.  There was a time when I took about five things to keep the hot flashes away, but the trouble of remembering to take all of them daily was too much.  Now I've settled with the Raspberry Leaf extract and an occasional Sarsparilla pill. 

In addition to the hot flashes, the only other noticeable change was a steady decline of my libido.   This is not pleasant to undergo and I'm still searching for the magic solution.  Maca was impressive in its libido enhancing effects but caused me other health problems, so I had to stop it.  Sarsparilla taken in high enough doses has some effect sometimes.  Four or five clean bourbons or vodkas may also do the trick, but I don't want to become a sexually-charged drunk.  I also bought some pills from the clearance aisle at the local grocery - reduced from $39.99 to $12.99 that claimed great things for a woman such as me  Great expectations with little satisfaction.  All along, I knew the most potent aphrodisiac for women (according to some experts) is marijuana.  I have to say that for me this is absolutely true.  I'm not advocating the use of illegal substances, and 90% of the times I smoked I was in Holland and therefore not really a criminal.  Scads of research funding have gone into male sexual dysfunction or enhancement.  Need I wonder why???  Until someone decides to seriously address the female side of the "sex and aging" question, I guess I'll keep experimenting with whatever I can find legally or perhaps even illegally.

I don't seem to have been plagued with the moodswings associated with menopause.  In fact, these only happen to me when I suddenly start or stop taking something that affects my hormone levels.  A sudden spike or drop in levels can make me tearful and shaky for a day.  It's easy to recognize as hormone-based when you cry about everything and nothing at all.  Recognizing it at the outset means I can even laugh with myself about it through the stupid tears knowing it will pass in a matter of hours.  But thank God these episodes are rare and happen only a few times a year.

HRT is not something I want to consider as I am a high risk for breast cancer based on family history.  Some women take birth control pills to regulate hormone levels but I'm a smoker and don't anticipate that I will quit in the near future.  I know, shame on me.

Life goes on.  My husband seems to still find me sexy and I'm able to compensate in various ways for my new laid back libido.  If I keep the hot flashes at bay, menopause isn't really so bad.  But then, every woman's experience of it is unique.

posted by: behindtheblink at 08:38 | link | comments (4) |

Maybe it's too much Animal Planet, Discovery and National Geographic.  Maybe it's too much time alone thinking.  Maybe it's the stress that I've wrestled with in the past year.  Maybe it's just me.  I've felt like such a bloody bleeding heart lately for too many things:

the sharks whose fins are cut off for shark fin soup then are thrown alive back into the ocean

the leopards and other big cats who are mindlessly killed for trophies

the whaling that is to resume in the Caribbean by the Japanese

the young chimpanzee who watched his mother hacked to pieces by poachers

my own little cat who misses her yard and warm climate

my cat who doesn't have a window in which to sit and watch the world

my unborn children whose faces I never saw

discarded orphans chained to dirty beds and left to go insane

my own feelings of impotence

domestic pets mistreated and starved

the gypsy woman sitting on bare pavement in mid-winter holding her crying infant

the apathy of my fellow Americans in the face of horrible deeds done in their name (anger on this one)

Life can be beautiful but how can I put on blinders and forget the rest?

posted by: behindtheblink at 23:12 | link | comments |

Judging...

How easy it is to judge ourselves and others.  Oh, how I delude myself from time to time into believing that I'm wise enough to judge others.  Then comes the question of judging myself.  How much of ego is connected to harshly judging one's self?  I think without an excess of ego, harsh judgments of myself would almost disappear.  To be.  To accept.  But not to stop striving.  Striving for betterment of the self without judging the self.  I think I've learned something then find I have to learn it anew only months later.  But I believe the truths start to stick a little better as years go by.  Still...I need refresher courses when things get tough and my mind wants to take over.  Deep truths aren't held in the mind but somewhere else.  The mind is a great deceiver and builds its logic and patterns from many sources, some of which should not be fully trusted.

The eyes also deceive.  A printed figure in my bank account may give me a sense of safety and security but it's, in fact, a delusion.  The world wants me to believe that the more money I have, the more security I have.  The more money I have the more goodies I can purchase and possess.   These are falsehoods and part of the great struggle, I think. 

As a woman, I also fall into the farce of proving myself against the rest of MANkind.  Proving, showing, reassuring myself of my own worth.  By what yardstick do I measure my own worth?  By past work and achievements?  By the level of energy and intellect with which I pursue some project?  And supposing nobody notices or acknowledges these things?  Will I be content with knowing what I think I know about myself?  Or will I be drawn into the words, affirmations, praise and judgments of other people?

My mind would like to map out a plan of perfection for my future so I can lean back at the end of the day and say "Well done" to myself.  Another imaginary success.  If I have wealth and give all of it away but did so out of fear or ego, what have I actually done?  If I have no material wealth can I pretend that I'm entitled to feel entitled because I'm poor?  What are all these visible measurements by which we judge ourselves and others? 

But we're forced to make jugments, aren't we?  Everyday in many little ways, we must decide, judge.  About our own actions and those of others.   How much of it is real or accurate?

posted by: behindtheblink at 09:35 | link | comments (4) |