meandering

Now I lay me down to sleep, and by the way, do not taste from a newly acquired bottle of homemade blackcurrant wine just before bedtime.  It’s purportedly a tonic for the blood, good for anemia, and apparently also a great mental stimulant that makes some people itch ALL OVER while trying to fall asleep.  The itching has afflicted the other taster also - who needs to awake early (unlike me).  One glass of milk and x number of chocolate cookies later the itching has begun to subside, but I’m still having some Lucy moments minus the red hair and bulging eyes.  I refuse to consider that I could be allergic or that there’s something “wrong” with the wine.  I just looked up this interesting fruit on Wikipedia, and they mention many uses including mixing it with vodka or making other styles of liqueur but not one single mention of wine…hmmm…  Anyway, it’s most tasty.  I’m loath to give it up after only one glass with two big bottles sitting in my pantry. Next time I’ll try it before 3 pm and see if the mental acuity and itching present themselves together again. 

I had something a little more serious I wanted to write about, but I see that it plainly doesn’t mix with blackcurrant wine.  Oh, well, what the hell.

Tonight while lying in bed and prior to being set upon by the above-described affliction, I found myself apologizing to myself.  Having offered apologies generously over the years to friends, family, spouse, bosses, co-workers, doors, etc., I don’t believe I ever gave myself one of these.  I know it sounds ridiculous at first, but it happened spontaneously and honestly from me to me.  I NEEDED to apologize to myself for a few things:  cowardice, too many compromises, letting someone hurt me for so long.  It was a good step.

Every couple of years, with good reason or not, I find myself looking through my boxes of old photos.  These are my personal photographs beginning at birth and spanning to about 15 years ago.  More and more in the past ten years, these walks through the past gave me the uncomfortable feeling that I’d somehow lost parts of myself, parts of myself that I missed and liked.  Things that had been ME.  Somehow they’d been tossed, burned, buried or hidden because they didn’t fit the new décor of my life.   

I refuse to blame anyone else for this, although I’m tempted in weaker moments to do so.  I’ve allowed some pretty undesirable things to take place in my life as a result of my own desire to please, by my wish for peace, by my own cowardice, by some stupid determination to succeed in marriage, by a misguided and incorrect interpretation of another human being.  I guess that’s why I suddenly felt the need to apologize to myself.  It’s amazing how good it was and is, like finding an old lost friend.

 

 

posted by: behindtheblink at 04:13 | link | comments (5) |

longs for what she lacks he sings and lacks for what she longs and what you were in the beginning you may return to in the end and the dreams I scorned have come back around and beckon with a knowing grin.  the air waits for me but each passing moment feels like a lifetime lost.  the bird flying over doesn't miss me as I do him.  clawing dry earth, let the dust fill my nostrils with the scents of life and death and mysteries within and out.  a scream explodes signaling rebirth and I needn't fear to offend ...other caged souls...who know.  let me never let go this sadness.  it's the only crown i've earned for my trouble.  let no man pity me nor let any man hold me nor look that look to me.  beware i tell them under my breath for I'm prepared to injure if i must.

posted by: behindtheblink at 16:07 | link | comments (3) |

the tree stands, roots pushing outward, grappling for space
with sisters and strangers; a love/hate embrace
each leaf bearing witness; its own life more brief
time, years, moments no more than a breath

my prayer flutters up to out of reach branches
that noone will touch her but with a caress

posted by: behindtheblink at 10:39 | link | comments (1) |

Life trips along.  It's an appropriate phrase to describe my life lately as I feel some days that I'm tripping in  some altered consciousness (non-chemical) and other days tripping as in stumbling over unforeseen objects and people in my so-called path.  I've read it happens too with other bloggers that life can get in the way of regular blogging, and life of late has been quite in my face.   Challenges aplenty, victories here and there, confidence rising, sadness coming in relentless waves, lessons accepted with what I hope I can call grace.

I've chosen to change my life.  I'm struggling today and tomorrow and tomorrow.  I want to finish this struggle and move on to new struggles but I  can't rush time.  Life is funny.  Life is hard.  Life is amazing.  Life is pain.  Life is beauty.  Life is trying.  Life is learning.  Life promises nothing but the opportunity to learn.

posted by: behindtheblink at 13:22 | link | comments (4) |

update...

earlier debate with self:  settled six days ago after much anguished soul-searching.  the ensuing onslaught is making me stronger.  i didn't expect that.  life will change.  is changing.

I have a stomachache after being invited to an untested restaurant.  I ate 7 hours ago, and here I sit at 4:30 am.  Now my back's aching too.  Maybe this is more than just my stomach.  I almost never have this problem, but then I'm usually careful about where I eat.  And that yogurt an hour ago didn't seem to help. 

posted by: behindtheblink at 04:50 | link | comments (2) |

question number nevermind

 

rotations turnings changing

light to darkness to light and so on and so forth

the sudden wrench of the gut has a name

it must be fear

 

the other, neither good nor bad, IS

and moves about freely sans permission

:::nameless::: formless:::

harness it, assess it, let it BE?

 

To know I don’t know, not see what I know

will bring it round at last

till then mind and pen dance with feigned familiarity

sketching stroking lines in shifting light

 

posted by: behindtheblink at 11:45 | link | comments (1) |